The Caryn Project

Many things have happened since I last posted a blog. A position I applied for back in November 2010 called me in for an interview. I gave myself two weeks to prepare and asked for the day off. I prepped a lot for the interview, including hair, makeup, and outfit. I armed myself with a lot of figures and facts. i even pulled together a “war council” to help me prepare for the interview. Considering it had been five years since I interviewed for a position, I thought what I did was a great idea. The day came and I was nervous! I took my time trying to take care of everything including not messing up my manicure, which I ended up doing anyway (for the record, how do you have a nail salon and not have any quick dry?). I arrived early and good thing I did because the weather was getting bad and parking was a beast (shout out to my home girl that parked my car for me). I went to find the office suite I was to interview in and waited. I had great conversations with the people that I have known for a while. Then it was time to go in. An hour later I walked out feeling 85% sure I did well, but criticized myself for not being more prepared. And something miraculous happened …. the next day, I was offered the position.

Now, here’s where it gets interesting. I didn’t immediately take it. I asked for the weekend to think about it. I had to call in the war council again to figure out what my next steps should be. I knew I wanted to negotiate but couldn’t figure out how. These women helped me. Combined they have 80+ years of higher education experience, so they have been there, done that, and are still doing it. They all have very different approaches in regard to negotiation. One says to play hardball, another says to be passive but aggressive, another says to find the happy medium. All say, if nothing else, know your worth and do your homework. So I did! I looked at market value, I looked at my current band, I looked at other institutions, I compared and contrasted, I went into fringe benefits. Oh yeah, I was busy. I came up with my counter offer and passed it along. Soon after, I panicked. “What if they don’t take it? What if they rescind the offer completely?” Yeah I was on full panic mode. So I went back to one of the council members and asked her what she thought. What she had to say was this- “Remember that you are the one driving this car. You being willing to negotiate says a lot to your future employer. It says that you know your worth and you are willing to fight for what you want. Even if you don’t get it, the fact that you did negotiate says a lot about you. And how much better would you feel if they paid you even $1000 more? You would have missed out had you not negotiated. You are the one that has the option of taking it or leaving it.” Soon after that conversation I calmed down. The following day, I was called and told that my offer could not be matched, but the fringe benefits and the perks more than make up for what not could be matched (they are right about that one). And honestly what I’m being paid is right there in the market value of the ranges I checked out (and more than some that I saw). So I accepted the position. I’m better because of it. I stepped out of my comfort zone asking for more money, something I’ve never done before. As a first time Director, this won’t be my last time negotiating.

This week has been a powerful week for me. I’ve spent and great deal of time getting myself back in academic mode, getting my writing chops back strong after a stint of not writing. I’ve also been gathering new knowledge not only for school but for my own gain in self-development. I’ve been receiving many messages intentionally about creating the life I want with my words, thoughts, and actions. The first lesson I have gotten is to put out in the atmosphere what I really want in my life and then acting as if I have had it all along. Here’s the crazy part about it all …. I really did have it all along, it was how I went about getting to the answer. A prime example of this is the improved relationship with my husband. I have been asking God to help me have a better relationship with him. Trust me, I cried for it, begged for it. All we seemed to do was argue about everything. And then one day, I decided that I was done with trying, I needed to make a choice. I made the choice to get it right with my husband. But in getting it right with him I had to get it right with myself. If I want a better husband, what do I need to do to be a better? I got busy on that question for myself.I figured out that I would take on false notions that had nothing to do with my husband! I couldn’t figure out why things weren’t adding up. So I confronted all my false notions in a conversation with my husband. My “AHA!” moment came when I heard myself say to him, “I realize right now that for the time we have been together, I’ve been so busy looking for the negative of you that I completely negated the possibilities of us! I’m trying to make you live up to something that isn’t even real! You are competing with a figment of a combination of my imagination and Lifetime Movies. Nobody can compete with that!” I quickly apologized to my husband and immediately made the change in myself so that I can have the relationship with my husband I’ve been asking the Lord for! My OWN false notions were impeding the relationship I wanted to have with my husband. Talk about clarity! It was like the gauze had been lifted from my eyes and I could see clearly for the first time.

So I say all of this to say, because of this one important experience, I shifted my mental process to the areas in my life that also needed the haze to be lifted. How I feel about myself professionally, financially, bodywise, educationally, as a friend to people … I really get to create my life my way. It is not okay for me to submit to what others have ingrained (or tried to ingrain) in me what I should think, feel, believe, etc. I get to accept and reject ideals! What a concept! You, you mean I don’t have to believe the nonsense that because I have short hair that I’m not attractive?? HECK NO!! You mean to tell me that I’m good with developing myself with the help of others that are also in the process of developing themselves for the good of the order? HECK YEAH!! In this moment I thank GOD for the processes of vision, clarity, elimination and planning … I’m ready to live the way I am supposed to live!

As of late, I have been really reflecting about my life’s journey up to this point. I’ve done everything right according to those that the right life should be lived. I have graduated from high school and college without becoming a young mother. I have earned a graduate degree and earned a well paying, respectful position at a university. I have gotten married and, with my husband, created a nice home life in the suburbs. I’m comfortable by society’s standards. And yet, I’m struggling with the position I’m in, but in a good way. I firmly believe that once you have been given dominion over the smaller things in life, eventually you will gain favor and given dominion over larger matters. I am convinced that the road ahead on my journey in self discovery has some surprising twists for me. Some of them I’ve already discovered by happenstance. Let me give you an example.

I’ve always been something of a daredevil- trying and doing things that would freak the next person out. However, there are still some things that absolutely scare me. So this year, I am preparing myself for the life I want. A life that is lived fully and completely, not worried about doing things in a certain order. I’ve done that long enough, too long if you ask me. I am exploring my daredevil side with doing things will get the adrenaline flowing and I can check them off of my bucket list, like skydiving, white water rafting, hiking. Now some might say, that’s not daredevil activity, that’s a vacation. But when you are from where I am from and you are surrounded by the people I’m around, saying anything that involves jumping out of a plane, climbing anything, and getting wet will get you the straight side-eye.

So with all of this being said, it is my sincere prayer that I am prepared or will get help to get prepared to live this outrageous, wonderful life. I am sincerely praying that for all of the goals that I have for myself, I not only accomplish those but also have a great time getting there. Oh yeah and taking pictures of all of it as proof

Tonight I went to Consecration Service for my church and Dr. Marvin Sapp gave the WORD tonight! Yes that Marvin Sapp- Mr. Never Would Have Made It, He Saw The Best! He gave a Word that was powerful. He stated that the Lord is praying for me and my faith, in that whatever it is I am going through, I can use my testimony to strengthen others. And while in service, I came to realize that I have gone through and dealt with a great deal in being 32 years young. Absent father, abusive boyfriend, bad relationships, eating disorder, bad body image, no self-esteem- I’m thankful that even through all of that, I have not turned to alcohol or drugs to deal with my problems or numb my feelings. I am thankful that even through all of that I did not cave to the many pressures of life. I may be dealing with my food issues but I’m going to work through it. I may be dealing with many other pressures (work, marriage, etc.) but I know that through the support that I have, with my faith, I will make it through this. I’ll make it through all of this. I will come out on the other side- I’ll be stronger, tougher, leaner, meaner, with my prayer life in check and my humbleness serving me. I will know and love my purpose and live it. I will live my life abundantly because my God wants me to live my life abundantly. Tonight, Dr. Sapp gave a Word that I needed and by the prayers of all of the people that were around me, I know my life is and will change in a major way. To quote Lupe Fiasco, “I’m on a loser strike, I’m on a winning streak.”

The year 2010 has gone by and now we’re in a new decade. I’m happy2011 has arrived. There’s something about a new year that gets everyone making resolutions about what they vow to do. “I resolve to lose weight!” “I resolve to save more money!” You name it, I probably said it and probably didn’t follow all the way through it. I wasn’t committed. I mean how can you be committed to something that you didn’t believe in in the first place? So this year it isn’t about resolutions, not at all. It is about reconnecting to my values that I hold close to my heart. I have changed in my 32 years, but my values haven’t shifted all that much. Check it out:

1. Family- I LOVE MY FAMILY! I can’t express it enough. My family is my world and I work to make them proud of me. My mom and brother are the reasons I am diligent in taking care of my business. I want to be able to show my nieces and nephews that anything is possible. I want them to know that no matter, I can handle things. I lump my friends in the family category because we are all a reflection of one another. After all friends are the family we choose. I also love my husband (although there are days when “like” is in short supply). Bottom line is that I will do what I can to make sure that I am handling my business where my family is concerned.

2. Health- Being healthy will allow me to live a more fulfilling life. I can’t live a full life and be sick. So it is important for me to see the doctor and to follow his instructions. It is important for me to eat the right foods and to get exercise, although me and the gym have a love/hate relationship. It is my duty and my responsibility to take care of myself in all aspects.

3. Finances- The BEST thing I did for myself in 2010 was release myself from credit card debt. It has been freeing and uplifting. Although my next challenge is taking care of student loan debt I also have a responsibility to donate. In giving, I also receive. So with it being a new decade, I am committing to give more. Again, when I give more, I receive more.

4. Education- I value my education but I know that it doesn’t always come from the classroom. There are lessons to be learned each and every day. I anticipate learning and adding to my knowledge in every way possible- seeing, doing, reading. A person only uses a small portion of their brain. For the brain to be as big as it is, I want to use as much of it as I can.

5. Time- IT IS VALUABLE! The more of it I lose to frivolous things, petty arguments, and the like, the more valuable it becomes to me. Life is made up of so many moments.I don’t want to miss any of them by being more concerned about being right or trying to plan out everything. I can’t plan out life. I can plan when I want to do but I certainly can’t plan life. Life happens all the time, every day. I have to take the most out of the life I have been given.

So, since these are my top five values, and of course I have many but they tie into the main themes of my life, I will be a better steward of the life I have been given. I will learn and explore all I can learn and explore. I will treat myself wonderfully in taking care of myself. I will indulge in my dreams in making them come true. I will ENJOY myself for goodness’ sake! I will not let life pass me by for being too scared. At 32, I have accomplished so much and there is still a whole lot for me to accomplish. I will do it with my values in tact and my team behind me, supporting  every step of the way. I have this one life and this one body and I want to do with it what it was intended to be done- LIVING!!